


when the party's over

by deereyes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Or Is It?, Party, Songfic, Unrequited Love, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 14:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deereyes/pseuds/deereyes
Summary: taeyong's too fucked up to be loved, no matter how badly he wants it





	when the party's over

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is just a random one shot i wrote at 5 am while listening to when the party's over by billie eilish  
> this is lowkey based on events in my life and is just. a way for me to vent  
> i hope you enjoy!

taeyong was so, so cold. the chill outside compared to the warm and hazy inside made him shiver more than he thought humanly possible, or maybe it was the pills getting to him. he didn’t really know or care. all he wanted at the moment was to curl up in a blanket, and maybe talk to doyoung. but there he was sitting on the porch of johnny and yuta’s house, listening to the thumping beat of whatever song was playing inside.

doyoung would be disappointed in him again, which taeyong didn’t want at all. but after all that taeyong’s put him through, he doesn’t blame him at all.

ever since their friendship (relationship?) began, taeyong never was that dependable. after multiple episodes and a whole new habit forming; doyoung left then came back, then left again, then came back, then left, and he came back again. even when doyoung left, taeyong was helplessly in love with the idea of him. (he couldn’t say he loved him, he didn’t stay long enough) 

taeyong looked up at the sky, scratching his left arm. he was itching for a cigarette, or another hydrocodone, but a cigarette was more accessible. reaching into the left pocket of his jacket, he listened to the muffled music and laughter from inside the house as he reached for his pack of marlboros and a lighter. he quickly lit it up, taking a drag and trying to focus on the gray inside his lungs rather than the dark blue in his chest. 

his whole relationship dynamic with doyoung was rather concerning. taeyong would get high then call doyoung either crying or elated, then doyoung would entertain him, talking to him for a few months, and finally, he would ghost taeyong for a few months. rinse and repeat. 

taeyong won’t lie, it made him feel like utter shit whenever doyoung left. it always hit him hard, but he couldn’t really help it. doyoung knows almost everything about him, and makes him feel so loved whenever he’s in a good mood. how was taeyong supposed to stop falling in love with that version of doyoung? 

he always became obsessed, checking his phone to see if doyoung read his texts, to see if doyoung called, to see what doyoung was up to on his snapchat stories. taeyong had a tendency to love more than returned. he’s just gotten used to it.

doyoung probably knew what kind of power he held over taeyong. taeyong could see it in the way he sighs when he answers taeyong’s calls, when he smiles at taeyong after he convinces the other to eat, when the other stops answering his texts and slowly watches taeyong fall apart again.

taeyong didn’t like being obsessed with anyone, but his heart just fell in love over and over and over again.

taeyong liked to smoke rather quickly, a habit he picked up as a teen and trying to keep it a secret from his parents at night. after just a little bit the cigarette was nothing but filter, and he flicked it to the ground. he glanced behind him, a little debate going on inside his clouded mind. does he want to go back to the party, or does he want to call doyoung to drive him home?

taeyong grit his teeth as a particularly harsh blow of wind hit his frail frame and a headache started to form. he’ll just go inside, tell yuta he’s leaving, then call doyoung to take him home. he wouldn’t be able to have fun after his moment of slight introspection. maybe he just hated himself that much. 

pulling his jacket closer to his body, he took his phone out of the right pocket, and unlocked it. sighing, taeyong tapped his contacts app and hit the button to call “doyoungie ♥”. 

a few seconds passed, then doyoung picked up.

“what’s up, taeyong?” doyoung’s voice wasn’t cold, and it made taeyong smile slightly.

taeyong tapped his fingers against his thigh, trying to find the right words. “well, uh, i’m at yuta’s and i need a ride home, if that’s okay?”

he heard doyoung move around, a few beats of silence before he said “yeah, of course.”

taeyong smiled more brightly, “thank you so much! it’s really cold, and i just want a blanket-”

“you’re high again, aren’t you?” doyoung cut through his rambling.

taeyong went silent.

doyoung sighed, his voice turning to ice again. “you can’t keep doing this, taeyong. you’re hurting yourself. and you’re hurting me.” 

taeyong didn’t want it, but he felt tears well in his eyes. “i-i’m sorry, it was just a party and finals are kicking my ass and i just wanted to relax.” taeyong prayed that the other would buy his excuse.

“mhm, alright. just stay safe, okay? i’ll be there in 5.”

taeyong smiled again. “thank you doyoungie!” 

doyoung chuckled, “no problem, tae.” then he hung up.

taeyong loved it when he called him “tae”. little moments like that never ceased to make him feel special for once. it gives him a chance to not feel like he’s the only one trying to keep the two of them together.

he sent a quick text to yuta, telling him he was leaving the party in a bit.

_taetae: hey yuta!! i gotta go back home in a bit_   
_taetae: not feeling too good tonight_

_yutaaa: oh, okay!_   
_yutaaa: feel better soon yongie ♥_

taeyong smiled at the nickname, sometimes he swore yuta loved him more than doyoung ever will. _fucking christ,_ he thought to himself. when will he ever stop thinking about doyoung? it’s getting ridiculous how much he’s holding onto a shred of hope.

sighing, he took out another cigarette. might as well pass the time. he lit the end of the stick and after just a few drags, there was the telltale rumble of doyoung’s car rolling up to the front of the house. taeyong smiled to himself, flicking the cigarette away. he knew doyoung didn’t like the smell.

doyoung’s truck appeared in front of him, the younger rolling down the window to call him over. taeyong stood up, intending to do so, but got lightheaded. 

he bent down, placing his hands on his knees, trying to ride out the waves crashing through his head. taeyong heard doyoung sigh and step out of the car to help taeyong over to the passenger side’s car door. 

“have you been eating, taeyong?” doyoung asked, quiet as if he didn’t want to startle him.

taeyong hesitated. he wasn’t too sure he wanted to tell doyoung that he’s been trying to get skinny again so he would be attractive again. “y-yeah, i’ve been eating okay.”

doyoung looked at him, concerned. “if you say so, hyung.”

taeyong smiled, his dizziness finally ending. doyoung noticed and pulled his arm away from taeyong’s shoulder. taeyong frowned, just stepping inside the truck.

doyoung got in the driver’s seat, starting up the loud engine, an indecipherable look in his beautiful, beautiful eyes. “so, taeyong.”

taeyong glanced at him, eyes growing heavy as the truck pulled out of the driveway. “yes?”

doyoung opened his mouth, trying to form words, then decided on “nevermind.”

taeyong looked at him again, confused. not able to find any response in his hazy mind, he decided on “okay?”

the ride was silent save for the quiet music playing from the speakers. it was billie eilish, one of doyoung’s favorite artists. taeyong tapped his fingers against his legs to the beat. doyoung glanced over a few times, just saying nothing. 

the silence was killing taeyong, so many words dying in his throat. if only doyoung knew. 

after a few minutes, doyoung pulled into the driveway of taeyong’s apartment building. “we’re here, taeyong.” 

taeyong opened his eyes, head still swimming as he unbuckled his seatbelt. doyoung watched him as he stumbled out of the car, a disappointed look in his eyes. taeyong waved goodbye, sadness evident in his eyes as he closed the door. 

he caught a few lyrics as he left.

_let’s just let it go_   
_let me let you go_

how ironic.


End file.
